i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
