you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
