I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
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Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
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If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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