I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
