If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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