she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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