I'm passing your future prison.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I need water and some morals
And then he peed in my hair
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