I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
