I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
