My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
