Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
