why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
