I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
