Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
