I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
