I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
