On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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