There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
