Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
the gays at disneyland are vicious
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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