i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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