haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
