Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
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I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
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It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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