I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I need moral support for this bender
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
