the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just gargled with NyQuil
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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