I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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