I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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