Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
