just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Someone came in the potted fern
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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