I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Randomize
