yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
