My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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