I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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