today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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