just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
