I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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