She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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