I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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