What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My vagina just recognized that song.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
