Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
