At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
