can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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