I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
