Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
