I accidentally had phone sex last night
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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