Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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