I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
