Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
