I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
we're so committed to being not committed
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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