Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
