I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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