I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
