I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
