When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
