I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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