I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
