Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
