How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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