the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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