We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
