I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
